There’s an Oscar Wilde line I’ve been thinking about lately: “we are never less free than when we try to act.” I first liked it because it felt clever in the way Wilde often does, but it stayed with me for another reason. The more I thought about it, the more it reminded me of work, and specifically of the strange amount of energy people can spend trying to look like the kind of person they think work requires them to be. You see it in meetings all the time. Someone asks for feedback and the room goes quiet for a few seconds. I used to think that silence meant people didn’t have anything to say. I don’t anymore. Usually there’s plenty to say. What people are trying to work out is how much of it they’re actually supposed to say. Is this a real invitation to disagree? Are we brainstorming, or has the decision already been made? Does the person asking want criticism, examples, reassurance, solutions, or simply some evidence that everyone participated?
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